Sunday, January 29, 2012

a text vent to a friend from today

Today was hard and scary because of health, difficulty breathing, and just because tired and really messed up from lack sleep. I cried A LOT all through church, but gave all my anxieties to God about wanting to love people best, about how to spend time, about
what to do with my time each day (my biggest fear and idol because I want to do WHAT GOD WANTS!!!), about my health and life... and just everything to Him.

I realized and the sermon and Word said: all anxiety is sin and pride. Trusting myself or trying to do it on my own instead of trusting God with it all.

Its not about me or what I do!!!!!!!!! God is in control. He is holding me and always has been. He will keep me alive however long He wants. No matter what I say or do it will be sinful!!! It will come out wrong! I will mess up each day. That's who I am.

But I want to start trusting Him with each second. Trust Him to use all my sins, failures, and weaknesses. To show me what to do. To keep me alive and help me take care of myself and learn how in His timing. To help me love people and to work through the many many failures and mistakes at it each day. He's in control. He's holding me. He knows what He's doing and always has. It's not about me or what I do. It's about Him. His forgiveness of my sins that comes from His shed blood. He is my only hope.

"All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because,

“God opposes the proud
but shows favor to the humble.”

6 Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time. 7 Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.

8 Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 9 Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings.

10 And the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will Himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. 11 To Him be the power for ever and ever. Amen.

-1 Peter 5:5-11

Friday, January 27, 2012

simple Truths I want to always remember...

I seriously need to look at these and surround myself with them every day. I truly forget them every day and struggle. But these are what He wants me to know... His truth. His Love. Crazy, crazy, love that I could never ever deserve (and that's why it's hard for me to take it.) But He wants every one of us to have it, to know it. To stay in His love and grace. He wants that. Crazy?? Yes. ...

"For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life. 17 For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him. 18 Whoever believes in Him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because they have not believed in the name of God’s one and only Son."
-John 3:16-18

"If you declare with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. 10 For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you profess your faith and are saved. 11 As Scripture says, “Anyone who believes in him will never be put to shame.” 12 For there is no difference between Jew and Gentile—the same Lord is Lord of all and richly blesses all who call on him, 13 for, “Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.”
-Romans 10: 9-13

"But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, 5 made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. 6 And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with Him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, 7 in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. 8 For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— 9 not by works, so that no one can boast."
-Ephesians 2:4-9

"If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us.
9 If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 10 If we claim we have not sinned, we make Him out to be a liar and His Word is not in us."

-1 John 1:8-10

The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.
9 He will not always accuse,
nor will He harbor His anger forever;
10 He does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.
11 For as high as the Heavens are above the earth,
so great is His love for those who fear Him;

12 as far as the East is from the West,
so far has He removed our transgressions from us.
13 As a Father has compassion on His children,
so the LORD has compassion on those who fear Him;

-Psalm 103:8-13

"You see the depths of my heart and You love me the same.

"In order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me.
8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
-2 Corinthians 12:7-10

This is the way God loves me, though I don't deserve it at all. This is the way He loves every one of us...

"God is love."
-1 John 4:8

"Love is patient, Love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking,
it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails."

-1 Corinthians 13:4-8

And because He loves me this way, I pray He will help me love others this way too. Of course I struggle at it every every day, but I pray He will help me show them this kind of grace and love. The love of Christ.


"He was delivered over to death for our sins and was raised to life for our justification. Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through Whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, Who has been given to us.

You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. 7 Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. 8 But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Since we have now been justified by His blood, how much more shall we be saved from God’s wrath through Him! 10 For if, while we were God’s enemies, we were reconciled to Him through the death of His Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through His life! 11 Not only is this so, but we also boast in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation."
-Romans 5:1-11

"We love Him, because He first loved us."

-1 John 4:19

"And one of them, a doctor of the Law, putting Him to the test, asked Him, "Master, which is the great commandment in the Law?" Jesus said to him, "'Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with thy whole heart, and with thy whole soul, and with thy whole mind.' This is the greatest and the first commandment. And the second is like it, 'Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.' On these two commandments depend the whole Law and the Prophets."
-Matthew 22:35-40"

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

-Romans 15:13"

Trials have come so that your faith--of even greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire--may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen Him, you love Him; and even though you do not see Him now, you believe in Him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls."

-1 Peter 1:7-

"For the joy of the Lord is your strength."

-Nehemiah 8:10

"I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

-Romans 8:38-39


But you, dear friends, by building yourselves up in your most holy faith and praying in the Holy Spirit, 21 keep yourselves in God’s love as you wait for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ to bring you to eternal life.

God is strong and can help you not to fall. He can bring you before His glory without any wrong in you and can give you great joy. He is the only God, the One who saves us. To Him be glory, greatness, power, and authority through Jesus Christ our Lord for all time, past, now, and forever, Amen."
-Jude 1:20-21, Jude 1:24-25

Sunday, January 22, 2012

You lead...

This is always my prayer.

Your will be done, LORD, not mine.

But man oh man, with my personality and just who I am, I am horrible at just letting Him lead.

I always have so many ideas, want to make so many plans, want to do everything SO fast, go, go, go, thinking about the future, planning things, etc....

but I want to learn to slow down.

to trust Him with everything.

Not my will or plans, but His.

I'm thankful for the way, I try to let Him do this every day, and for the places He leads me when I let Him.

His plans AMAZE me because they are so much better than my own it's not even funny.

It just fills me with thankfulness and peace when I give Him control instead of myself.

Just pray I can do this more. I struggle every second to...

but thankfully He is still in control no matter what, and He has ways of humbling me, and reminding me to slow down and trust in Him instead of me again. Even if it means breaking me down, I'm thankful for the ways He reminds me to just trust Him again. :)

I want to let Him lead....


"And I...
Need to stop, need to stop,

I'm going to fast,
And I...

Know my God is still God, And You got my back

You lead
, I'll follow.
Your hands hold my tomorrow,

Your grip, Your
grace, You know the way...

You guide me
tenderly, yeah,

When You lead, I'll follow,

Just light the way and I'll go.

Cause I know what You got for me is more then I can see,

So lead me on...

Lead me on... "

Lead me Lord.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

"Bring me to Life" by Evaneescence

I think this is a beautiful cry, and prayer, to God.

It reminds me of a Psalm from the Bible.

How can You see into my eyes like open doors?
Leading You down into my core,
Where I've become so numb

Without a soul
My spirit sleeping somewhere cold
Until You find it there, and lead it back Home.

[Wake me up]
Wake me up inside.
[I can't wake up] Wake me up inside
[Save me] Call my name and save me from the dark.
[Wake me up] Bid my blood to run
[I can't wake up] Before I come undone
[Save me] Save me from the nothing I've become.

Now that I know what I'm without
You can't just leave me
Breathe into me and make me real
Bring me to Life.

[Wake me up]
Wake me up inside.
[I can't wake up] Wake me up inside
[Save me] Call my name and save me from the dark
[Wake me up] Bid my blood to run.
[I can't wake up] Before I come undone
[Save me] Save me from the nothing I've become
Bring me to Life.
I've been living a lie, there's nothing inside.
Bring me to Life.

Frozen inside, without Your touch
Without Your love, Darling.
Only You are the Life among the dead

All of this time, I can't believe I couldn't see

Kept in the dark, but You were there in front of me

I've been sleeping a thousand years it seems,
Got to open my eyes to everything.

Without a thought, without a voice, without a soul

Don't let me die here,
There must be something more.
Bring me to Life.

[Wake me up]
Wake me up inside.
[I can't wake up] Wake me up inside
[Save me] Call my name, and save me from the dark.
[Wake me up] Bid my blood to run
[I can't wake up] Before I come undone
[Save me] Save me from the nothing I've become

Bring me to Life.

I've been living a lie, there's nothing inside

Bring me to Life.

God has placed this dream in me. A dream to work with those who are broken. I don't know who they will be. People struggling with addictions, people who are handicapped, people old, people young, kids, abused, those broken...

Ha, just people.

All have a story,
all of us are struggling in some way.

I just want to help people.
Listen to them.

Fight with them

Show them Christ and His heart for them.

Work with those who know they are broken. Who feel hurt by this horrible world. Who know they need Christ.

I would love to work at Teen Challenge, maybe for a little bit. Or somewhere like that. With people struggling with anxiety, depression, eating disorders, etc. Anxious messes like me. ... Who knows what God has.

For now, just enjoying all I learn in my Psych classes and enjoying every chance God already gives me each day to just love. Whoever it is He places. All of us are struggling.

Thankful that He loves me AS I AM, the anxious mess I am, and that He just wants to bring me Home to His arms.

I want to show all those others who are struggling to see, show them He, too, loves them, just the way they are.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Most important thing to me I've learned this year and never want to forget:

Often what people appreciate most is just that you spend time with them.

In my continuous selfishness and immaturity throughout life, this is where I have failed people most.

With forgiveness God gives second chances. The chance to forgive myself, move on, start again, and change each day, and even each second.

It's up to me though, to actually take that chance and use it.

I thank God for the second chances again and again that I don't deserve a bit of. I'm also thankful from the bottom of my heart for the love and forgiveness from God, no matter what I do or have done. No matter how much I still struggle and fail every day, He still loves and forgives and holds and helps me the same.

Even so, if you are ever looking for a prayer request from me, please pray I seriously use each day as a chance to show God thanks for His love. Please pray I use my time to spend with others, out of love for them. Thanks.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

the Light came to meet the dark. Let Him in.

We spend a lot of time preparing ourselves for Jesus every day. We try to make ourselves ready by doing things for Him. We try to make ourselves "clean" and presentable to Him. We prepare just like Mary and Joseph must've been preparing with incredible love and care to create a room and nursery for the coming Son of God.

Joseph was a wood smith who must've spent hours on end, creating the most precious crib. And Mary probably spent weeks knitting a beautiful blanket for the baby, praying with every stitch that she would be ready and that the nursery would be ready for the Son of God when He came.

Instead they unexpectedly had to travel to Bethlehem to be taxed.
God made the Son of God go where He wants Jesus to go and where we need to let Jesus go. To the dark, dreary, UGLY, smelly, horrible manger. A dark and ugly place. All Mary could do was tidy that horrible place and, using the little bit of cloth she could find, place Jesus in the best place she could find: an animal feeding tray. This dark place, this stable, and manger (animal feeding tray) is like where Jesus wants and needs to go inside each of us.
Jesus wants to come into our deepest darkest, ugliest places. The place we most don't want to let Him in. The parts of us we hide from everyone, including ourselves. The place we most don't want God.

That's where Jesus wants and needs to be. The light needs to shine to the darkest places. He wants us to let Him into the darkest places, to show Him everything and let the light meet the darkness. That is why He came. To bring Light to the darkest places. To save us because we can't save ourselves.

We can't make these dark places about ourselves clean no matter how much we try. All we can do is sweep and tidy them up a tiny bit, scramble to clean them up, but we can't. Because they are too dark, too ugly, too horrible. But this is exactly where Jesus wants and needs to be. The Light must shine in all the darkest places. He wants us to let Him in. Let forgiveness and grace in. He wants to forgive everything, especially the darkest things, to cover them in His grace.

We can't save ourselves. We can't make ourselves ready, no matter how hard we try. He needs to come to us, exactly how we are, to the darkest most horrible place in each of us and shine His Light, His love, His saving grace. He died for our sins, especially our darkest deepest ugliest ones we want to hide most.

... Christmas day I went to mass with my family. I liked everything about that Catholic mass that day a lot. Especially the message. What I remembered from the message I jotted down and that is what you just read above.

What Zechariah, Jesus's uncle prophesied about his son John the Baptist:

Zechariah’s Song
"His father Zechariah was filled with the Holy Spirit and prophesied:

And you, my child, will be called a prophet of the Most High;
for you will go on before the Lord to prepare the way for Him,
to give His people the knowledge of salvation
through the forgiveness of their sins,
because of the tender mercy of our God,
by which the rising sun will come to us from heaven
to shine on those living in darkness
and in the shadow of death,
to guide our feet into the path of peace.”

-Luke 1:76-79

And Paul says in Acts,

“On one of these journeys I was going to Damascus with the authority and commission of the chief priests. About noon, King Agrippa, as I was on the road, I saw a light from heaven, brighter than the sun, blazing around me and my companions. We all fell to the ground, and I heard a voice saying to me in Aramaic, ‘Saul, Saul, why do you persecute me? It is hard for you to kick against the goads.’

“Then I asked, ‘Who are you, Lord?’

“ ‘I am Jesus, whom you are persecuting,’ the Lord replied. 16 ‘Now get up and stand on your feet. I have appeared to you to appoint you as a servant and as a witness of what you have seen and will see of Me. I will rescue you from your own people and from the Gentiles. I am sending you to them to open their eyes and turn them from darkness to Light, and from the power of Satan to God, so that they may receive forgiveness of sins and a place among those who are sanctified by faith in Me.’ "

-Acts 26:12-18

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

this break...

Wow,this break has been A LOT. While each day has had it's fair share of hard times, fair share of times of being attacked by fear or fair share of reasons to be fighting fear or feeling pain, I can't deny that God has done A LOT this break. So much it blows my mind. I can't deny that the good God has done, in my family, in me, and I am very sure more than I can imagine in other people's lives too, has been much greater than even the largest of reasons for pain, heartache, stress, hurt, or times of fear or anxiety, or good reasons to feel these things.

I can't deny that God has done A LOT.

Coming out of it, I am honestly a bit scared because the future is completely and totally uncertain for me. I feel almost in every way, but all I can do is just trust God with it. Put it in His hands completely. And just focus on the good things. Focus on what I am thankful for. :) Just smile and praise Him. Because even though I may not know anything about the future (and even though that's really hard for me because that's probably a huge thing I make into an idol and something very hard for me to not think about), the Truth is that above all, things ARE good.

Because God is good.

He died in my place, forgives me, and is holding me through everything.

No matter what I am feeling today, whether it is pain out of love for others and out of being worried for them, out of just being worried and scared for them out of love and just praying hard that they will see God's love for them, whether it is tiny bits of fears attacking, whether it is overwhelming joy over who God is, what He's done for me and us, His forgiveness, and just the fact that He holds us through everything, whether it is peace in knowing that I can place everything in God's hands, and that I can even trust Him with others, to hold them, to lead them, to open their eyes in His perfect timing... though it really hurts to see others struggle,
whatever it is,
I am going to walk through it with God.

Holding His hand.

So thankful He holds me, even when I would have let go myself. He always carries me through.

I will praising Him through every storm and heartache.

And remembering how much the GOOD AND WHAT HE'S DONE in my life, my family, and in others' lives so much far beyond far outweighs the bad, the pain, and the reasons to fear.

I'm going to fight through all this with God.

And just be real.

Cry, laugh, rejoice, and pray.

Thankful to enjoy each day of the beautiful journey with Him.
He understands each of us completely.

His love is crazy.

Monday, January 2, 2012

missing dancing with all my heart

Like I said before, this break has been a lot.

Mainly a lot of good. A lot to praise God for, and actually the hard times are especially what I want to praise Him for. But the hard times have been a lot to deal with when they've happened to me.

One of the things that was very hard for me over this break was trying to figure out if God wants me to start dancing again or not. During all of this it was very very hard for me and I realized, "I miss dancing with all my heart." I wrote a long vent on Jan 2 with that very title. That day I was still struggling a great deal with anxiety inside of me about if I should dance again and with feeling very bipolar about the decision.

The vent was really long and originally just between me and God, but I'm posting about half of it to share with anyone who's interested in reading my heart about this and reading the way it sometimes takes God bringing me low in order for me to finally learn.

So I don't even really know what happened and what all started this... because when I went to the Christmas dance show at Messiah Dance, I loved the show like crazy beyond crazy, and loved the music, but I was not feeling like I missed dancing with all my heart or feeling like I wished I was still there or anything like that. I missed dancing of course a lot, but I was so incredibly happy with right where God has had me, with what I have been doing, with where my time has been spent: with all the time I've been able to spend with friends and family instead of spent dancing or practicing dancing!!!!! With all He's done. With what I'm doing. I was thankful for all of that. And had no desire to go back anytime soon, because I know I am too all or nothing...

But then something happened, something changed, something made me question, if maybe God does/did want me to go back to dancing? Just a little tiny bit. Just to teach little girls. That's what I truly miss most!!! I didn't have any desire to go back to the other dance classes, especially not advanced ones any time soon (though now, now I am really missing everything a lot even all the advanced dance classes)... anyway, I was wondering if God maybe did want me to go back, just to teach little girls, even if just for one day a week for the rest of my life until I can't dance anymore. I didn't want to ever go back very much. Not to where I'd spend much time practicing or stretching. I don't ever want to put those things before spending time with family or friends. But just to teach a few classes to young girls. I thought that might be something God wanted me to do... especially because it has been amazing me how much my body is still perfect for dancing and can still do it. I feel like that's crazy. I was also questioning if God wanted me to go back because teaching young girls to dance for Jesus IS something that brings me more joy than anything in the world. And I'm truly really good at it. I was praying hard every day and thinking maybe God did want it?? But really not knowing.

I feel bad now for this, but I even talked to Joni and told her I was thinking I'd like to come back. Just because I thought maybe God does want me to teach young girls, and just spend one morning or a little bit of time dancing a week. It's something I love so much more than anything and would love to do for Him. Joni said she would love to have me. :( ... She said I was naturally really talented at teaching little girls and at choreography. She said the joy I had for the Lord just shined and spread to all the little girls. She said she would always love to have me and pay me as a teacher, and could probably have me start assisting again in the summer or fall....

I was thinking about joining just the Adult Ballet class on Mondays from 1:30-3 this semester. Just to slowly get myself and my body back into dancing...

Because of all this, the possibility of dancing again or not has been something I've been praying hard about and thinking hard about every day. It is something that really matters a lot to me. Matters a lot to me to know what God would want me to do over what I want to do.

I just kept praying and praying and praying and praying for God to show me what He wants for me with this.

Because I really deeply want to do His will and not mine.

I've been praying like crazy, asking others for prayer, etc.

And in my own thoughts, I've been very very bipolar about it. And still am! Still am struggling with that.... but also letting it all go, and knowing it's right. :)

Anyway, it's because the possibility of me dancing again was brought up that I REALLY was able to feel and felt something I didn't even know: THAT I MISS DANCING WITH ALL MY HEART. That that's where a piece of my heart always will be: dancing with Jesus. Just dancing with Him and for Him. :) It is the most glorious thing.

And a part of me will always always dearly miss dancing at the studio too. With Joni and with all the other girls at Messiah dance.

I love and miss them all so very dearly. They are so awesome and beautiful in their hearts for Jesus and in just who they are. I love them all and pray for all of them almost daily. I think the studio is a beautiful and amazing place where Jesus is truly worshiped and glorified in a beautiful, very beautiful way. And I want every little girl who loves to dance to go there over in any other studio!!!!!!! Oh gosh, I do!!! That place is amazing. :D

So yes, of course, I will always miss it.

But God brought me to a silly low last week. To a very very low low.

It wasn't even my fault. It was not intentional. But I accidentally really messed myself up. And was just messed up, from accidentally consuming way too much food and sugar and from anxiety and not enough sleep all put together. What happened was I didn't even realize it until later when I came home for New Years, I guess I drank a whole 2-liter of regular Mountain Dew instead of Diet. Then that day I had no appetite all day and was filled with a lot of anxiety. Because I hadn't eaten enough I couldn't get tired. I ate some protein bars and food because I knew I really needed to eat and that eating would help me to be able to fall asleep. But with all the sugar I hadn't known I consumed and with the things I ate also containing a lot of sugar (protein bars and cereal being the main thing I had and consumed in my dorm room), I ended up unintentionally making myself very sick and messed up. And it sadly prevented me from going home and spending time with family or friends for a few days. It messed me up a lot, made me very sick, and was not fun at all.

But that low God brought me to made me realize again, how much I still struggle, how much I still just need to simplify my life and just learn to take care of myself so that I can love others, especially my family and friends best. How much I should not add anything to my life right now or later, but really need to learn to simplify.

Yes, an amazing and maybe good option for my life would've been to just be a Christian dance teacher, and to do that with my life during the day and then come home and just love my family and friends, OF COURSE THAT WOULD BE AMAZING, but right now that's just not realistic. And I'm happy with what God has for me even more!!!!!

Right now I am in college. :) And I have to keep at it and finish it. And enjoy every second and love friends and family with the little bit of time I have to do that!!!

I'm very happy for the way God showed me earlier in life, that I couldn't dance anymore at that time. My body was too messed up. It had all the symptoms of mono bad. It just couldn't dance well. And I had to stop. And knew it was what God wanted. And have been so incredibly happy with what He's done with every second of my life that I haven't been dancing. I never questioned anything, but have been filled with thankfulness for all that God and I are doing. I am SO thankful for all that's happened, for ALL that's been done. For all the places He's brought me. For where my time has been spent. So incredibly thankful.

No regrets at all!!!
Only praises of all the miracles that have happened. It amazes me beyond belief.

I have no regrets of all the years and time I spent dancing either!!! It was amazing and good, and exactly what I needed to go through! I still have all the music of praise for God in my heart and soul. I am thankful that I spent so many hours of my young life just worshiping Jesus to Christian music. That was all I did and wanted to do all the time. And wow, I'm glad that's what I was doing.

But I'm even more thankful for where He's brought me now. What I can do now. And what I will do and where I will go from now.

It's like, ya, maybe dancing would be a great option for me, maybe I do have a great body and passion and everything for it, but in order to love, connect, spend time with, and relate to everyone else in the world, especially my family and friends, it is better if I don't dance. Because then I have time, more time, to spend with them. And that's what matters to me most and what I love doing more than anything else in the world. :)

Believe it or not, even after writing that first half of the vent, the bipolar feelings about the decision and anxiety about what God wanted continued really bad. I felt like I really didn't know!!! The second half of the vent is a lot more dramatic. It basically repeats everything I just said and adds details of how hard it was at that time to let go of dance, how much I realized I missed it with all my heart, but how much even better just loving God and family is.

It was really hard because I was questioning if going back to that one dance class and then teaching young girls to dance in the future, was what God wanted for me in order to love Him and family and friends. Because I know how much I could love the girls at the studio. How much we could be like family, praising God together and really helping each other. I could still love my family and friends just as much... I was still questioning it a great deal and really missing it to the point that it was very painful.

That night I was filled with anxiety about it and just did the only thing I can do a lot of the time: pray and flip a coin or three. I've been doing a lot of that lately. I always really want to do what God wants with every decision, but sometimes it is just SO hard to know.

So, I laid on the floor and cried out to God and prayed. I flipped the coins again. For the third time I got two tails and one head. Meaning I shouldn't take the one dance class this semester. But after flipping them, it hit me so hard how much I missed it and how much it might be exactly what God wanted for me... I was still so unsure...

I decided to vent to my mom... telling her I knew I wanted to just not do it and just simplify everything in order to be able to have more time to just take care of myself and love family, but that I was still really filled with anxiety because it might actually be exactly what God wants and because I missed it with all my heart. My mom agreed that it just seemed right to not do it. To simplify and not try to add anything else onto all the other good things I am doing.

That night I was still filled with a little bit of fear about which decision God wanted and still filled with sadness about not doing dance anymore, but I knew I should just give it up. I did trust that God had told me with each toss of the coins, even if I kept doubting it. I also KNEW He had told me by bringing me the low!!! Why was I still questioning it and struggling so much?? I had never missed dance before, because I had always just trusted and known I was exactly where God wanted me, and exactly where I wanted to be too.

That night though, as I missed dance with all my heart, I was doing it for my mom and for God.

But thankfully, God has really been teaching me again this week by bringing me to really low, hard times of being really sick.

There is no doubt in my mind now: I want to just focus on taking care of myself and using the limited time I have to love my family and friends. :)

Nothing is better, nothing I'd rather do... God really blesses me.

... P.S. don't you worry,
God will still bless me with way way way more than enough chances to dance. Just for Jesus every once in awhile for a few minutes, as I can't help it but praise Him that way, with my spins and swirls and ballet, and even better, as I love family and friends. He blessed me with a lot of people who love the same things I do!! It is my joy to just hang out with and love people. ... And wow, I get to dance with my mom and sisters and get to sing with them and praise God with them.... What a blessing!

Sunday, January 1, 2012

I think way too much (... a complete understatement)

Okay, so I've been thinking way way too much. Today, and every day of my life.

Thinking about everything, overthinking everything...

My whole life, every day, I am filled with just way way too many thoughts. So many things I just want to get down. Almost have to write down, or I will just go crazy from thinking about them too much. Or that's how it feels. Or just random things I really want to write down!! Sometimes it's just silly? Why do I even want to write down or tell someone these things so much?

... But it's because I feel maybe they could help someone somehow. Or I just need to get them out... or... I don't even know! There is always a reason, but... still, sometimes it's just like, is there even a point to this??

Is all of this just silly? Just a waste of time? Should I even be posting all these entries?

... But I realize, most of the time, I just need and want to put all my thoughts aside and journals aside, and everything aside and just love people. And spend time with them, that's what I really need to let God help me do better most. I've been horrible at it, but God is teaching me and humbling me, that's what I need to work on with His help most. And that's what I'm very excited to do!!

But also, if I have any tiny bits or just random chunks of extra time, which of course I will here and there, God has also truly really blessed me with some people in my life who are exactly the kind of people who truly will appreciate the stuff I have written and taken down.

So I guess I will continue... continue just getting down all these thoughts down, and slowly sharing them with others. ... Or just getting them down and praying that who knows, maybe one day they will be of use to someone. Maybe not? Either way, oh well. :)

Either way, I am thankful for all the things I'm learning each day.

I'm so silly. And over-think everything A LOT.

But thank God that He gets me.

Even when I confuse my own self, even though no one on this entire world ever truly can understand each other fully, we are all SO DIFFERENT... He gets me.

That amazes me.

Thanks God, for where You've brought me.

Now, please help me to just go to bed and sleep tonight.

I have a million cabjillion blog entries (one I started and almost posted earlier today but want to edit more) that are drafts, or that are written down and not posted....

but I know His timing for everything will be nice and slow, and perfect.
That is a good thing.

Good night world, goodnight God.

Thanks for what You're teaching me about life, people, how silly I am, about who You made me, and mostly about how much You love me through it all.

I'm thankful for everything. Especially just for You. Who You are. What You came and did for us. And how You love and forgive me.

Thanks God.