Tuesday, November 29, 2011

this is me.

Oh boy.....

I am filled with SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH ENERGY and love. So much it is really really painful. But amazing.

And God loves us way way way way way to infinity more!!!
That must be PAINFUL. But beautiful and amazing at the same time.
So incredibly painful and filled with love that He can't help but smile hugely from the inside out.

I have HUGE HUGE HUGE HUGE HUGE HUGE HUGE desire to just love people. I can BARELY stand it!!! I think it's cuz I have to do stupid homework and hate it. (And am not being productive AT ALL lately....)

I am so thankful for this immense love in my heart!

I CAN'T WAIT to be done with college. To just go to work and love people there and then love my family and friends afterward...
All I want to do is love.

I hate working on homework. Hate focusing on me. I'm horrible at it too. And it takes me forever to get through anything... bah.

...But I'm gonna try to use some of this energy to get at least a tiny tiny bit done before I go out and love. :)

God is so good.

I am craving the Word SO MUCH.

I love reading the stories about the coming of Jesus as a baby. The stories about Mary, Elizabeth, the angels, John the Baptist, Zechariah, etc. ...
They are so amazing. Breathtaking. Magical.

This was and is God.
The Savior of the world.
Coming in this incredible (and lowly way). To be born in a manger.

And the angels sang...

God is forever glorious.

I cant wait to celebrate this special time with others. This special time of thinking about God in a unique and different way than I usually do.


Woot!!!!!!!!!!! I just want to run miles, and be with people, and love and hug them and listen to them and serve them....

haha I'm crazy. But it's partly because I've had a day filled with stupid school and homework and studying (yet not getting any done...)

Ha. I will somehow get through the end of this semester. Even if I do bad in my classes. God will help me and hold me. This time is crazy, but interesting and exciting at the same time.

"In the sixth month of Elizabeth’s pregnancy, God sent the angel Gabriel to Nazareth, a town in Galilee, 27 to a virgin pledged to be married to a man named Joseph, a descendant of David. The virgin’s name was Mary. 28 The angel went to her and said, “Greetings, you who are highly favored! The Lord is with you.”

29 Mary was greatly troubled at his words and wondered what kind of greeting this might be. 30 But the angel said to her, “Do not be afraid, Mary; you have found favor with God. 31 You will conceive and give birth to a Son, and you are to call Him Jesus. 32 He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give Him the throne of His father David, 33 and He will reign over Jacob’s descendants forever; His kingdom will never end.”

-Luke 1:26-33

Wow. It overwhelms me to think about what Mary must've felt and gone through.

How beautiful.

The baby Jesus...

JESUS... God!!!

Extravagant, never-ending, unconditional, unfathomable love for us all.

in need of change

Can you please pray for me to trust God with each day? To be less selfish, less loving and worshiping and worried about me, and more loving toward Him. I want to be broken of myself. I want to start following His ten commandments and just living for Him. I am so far from being filled with the fruits of the Spirit it isn't even funny. Please pray for me to be broken. Less of me. More love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self control.

I am so far from those.

But thank God that He will humble me and pick me up.
He is helping me through these stupid times of homework.
Forgiving me as I idolize everything but Him.

Thank You God.

Help me to reach out.
Be hospitable and filled with grace.

Help me, God.

Sunday, November 27, 2011


Life is very hard and painful. We all try and fail to love others so much every day because we are all so different. It takes us forever to learn how to love, to learn about others. Perhaps, our whole life we will still be learning. We regret hurting others and we sadly get painfully hurt by others ourselves too. ... But no matter how hard each day is, there is so much to be thankful for. Forgiveness, Jesus and all He did, family, friends, life, and all we have. The chance to try and try again... Thanks God.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

give me a heart...

Psalm 90

A prayer of Moses the man of God.

1 Lord, you have been our dwelling place
throughout all generations.
2 Before the mountains were born
or you brought forth the whole world,
from everlasting to everlasting you are God.

3 You turn people back to dust,
saying, “Return to dust, you mortals.”
4 A thousand years in your sight
are like a day that has just gone by,
or like a watch in the night.
5 Yet you sweep people away in the sleep of death—
they are like the new grass of the morning:
6 In the morning it springs up new,
but by evening it is dry and withered.

7 We are consumed by your anger
and terrified by your indignation.
8 You have set our iniquities before you,
our secret sins in the light of your presence.
9 All our days pass away under your wrath;
we finish our years with a moan.
10 Our days may come to seventy years,
or eighty, if our strength endures;
yet the best of them are but trouble and sorrow,
for they quickly pass, and we fly away.
11 If only we knew the power of your anger!
Your wrath is as great as the fear that is your due.
12 Teach us to number our days,
that we may gain a heart of wisdom.

13 Relent, LORD! How long will it be?
Have compassion on your servants.
14 Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love,
that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.
15 Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us,
for as many years as we have seen trouble.
16 May your deeds be shown to your servants,
your splendor to their children.

17 May the favor of the Lord our God rest on us;
establish the work of our hands for us—
yes, establish the work of our hands.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

random crazy thought...

Something random I was thinking about today is how much one of the things I like to do and that makes me happier than anything is helping people. Loving people. Making them smile. Brightening their day in some way. Spreading a little of God's joy or sharing God's love for them.

(And I really really hate more than anything hurting people. Bringing them any kind of pain or discomfort. I hate when people worry about me, and I always worry people are worried about me or my health or that something I do is bothering or hurting them.)

... Anyway, somewhere in the day when I was smiling about how much I just love to make others smile, it hit me... reminded me about something about God...

God loves to see you happy. Loves to see you smiling about something good. Something He created
just for you to do or enjoy. Loves to see you smiling about Him or His creation or His blessings.

It makes God happy to see you happy!!!

... He only wishes He could bless you more. That you would just relax. Enjoy each situation. Each day. He made you you. Gave you these exact circumstances.
He is with you. He forgives you. He loves you. He saves you.

He just wants you to be happy.

Nothing makes Him happier than seeing His creation rejoice over His day, His creation, the life He's given you. ... He loves you.

... Loves to see you smile. :)

Only wishes you would let yourself do so more.

the Father's love letter

Monday, November 21, 2011

could this really be true?

I constantly want to encourage people. Especially my sisters in Christ. I just love them so much, am so thankful for them in my life, and they are so beautiful to me. :)

... I have a really really deep-rooted fear though. That even my honest encouragements will hurt them. That they will think I am being fake. That it will somehow make them feel bad or something...

I don't know, my fears are stupid, but hugely deep-rooted.

Last night after sending my very very dear old dance teacher Joni (one of the women of Christ I really look up to most for her heart and passion for Jesus) an encouraging message about how thankful I am for her, she called me.

It was a much needed talk. I am really really thankful she called.

And this morning I am still trying to grasp, trying to believe what she said. It almost seems like to much, too much for me to bear or think about because I barely have the strength to believe it.

I told her about how hard the last few weeks have been. How scary, hard, and horrible. How God's ripped away EVERYTHING I was holding onto (that I didn't even realize I was holding onto.) God brought me to a place where I am so incredibly weak all I can do is say, "You will be done."

It is amazing.

Beyond beyond scary and hard, but so good. So needed, Exactly what I've been praying for.

I need this to continue. I want this to continue forever.

I want to be broken down every day. Broken more and more and more and more. All these earthly desires, selfish wants, all these things I am trying to hold onto and control ripped away. Everything ripped away until I am only His.

I need this. And I need prayers for it bad. I am so far from the cross.
So far from the woman of Christ I want to be and know I can be for Him.
I've been a selfish, anxious monster, not a woman of Christ.

I have so much growing and changing to do, but I am excited to do it for Christ. The One who deserves my all.

... Anyway,

The thing I've been asking for most prayers, and REALLY need most prayers for is to surrender control of my time to Him. Wanting and taking control of my time is my biggest idol. The biggest thing I struggle with and try desperately to hold on every day. Please pray I can let go of this control and learn patience. Wait for His lead. HIS will be done, not mine!!! ... His plans are always SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO MUCH better and more amazing than my own anyway!!! When I finally do surrender He takes my breath away. He knows me and my heart and my desires even more than I do. He romances me, cherishes me, and blows me away. HIS PLANS ARE BETTER THAN MY OWN.

So, I asked for her prayers that I would put loving others before all the selfish things I want to do.

... And we talked for awhile about how much better God's plans are than our own. How much we get so excited about our own plans for Him!!! How we want to do so many things and get so carried away!!! But our own plans never work. It is when we just relax and say "Your will be done" that He really works!!! HE works. Not me. It is clearly Him placing people and using me. And when this happens it is better than anything we ever imagined.

And Joni shared something I am still having A LOT of trouble grasping. She said she's learned it is when she is herself, her weak self, just relaxes and be's her, that God is really able to work. That God will just work, just place people, that He really has the chance to move. It's when she steps aside and says it's not about me, it's about You, just be's her, that He moves.


This is something I am really having trouble grasping, yet am amazed by this morning.

See, I still hate myself in so many ways. I have for so so so so so incredibly long. All I can see is my sinfulness, my weaknesses, my flaws, the way I fail others. And all I can remember is all the times I've felt others, the things they have been displeased with, want me to change, etc.

I need to let go of this form of pride every day.

It's about Him.

And I know, His strength is made perfect in weakness.

He made me ME. He loves me even though I am so far from the cross. He carries me and delights in me. He wants to take me and use me, just as I am. And He wants me to relax so that HE and not me, can make me new. :)

I am thankful for all the desires He's put in my heart! I do love me and how different I am. Though I very often feel ashamed of who I am, of my differences, of my flaws and failures, I need to just relax and let it be about Him and not me. He will work. He is using me as me more than I know.

It's all about a Savior. A Savior on a cross.
Who BLED, DIED, was spit on, endured horrible horrible horrible suffering for me, out of love for me, to forgive me for all these sins I should never be forgiven for.

How can I not just be moved to let go of me and let Him be my everything after that?

... Please pray for me.

And thank Him for using all of us and loving all of us, just the way we are. :)

His love is way too good to be true.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

When everything is just too much...

My anxiety has been very very very scarily high lately.

Today was horribly hard and painful for a million reasons.
Every day has been lately.
So much anxiety and fear I am completely paralyzed often.
And sometimes I am a monster of anxiety.
It is really scary.
But... I know God forgives me through all of this.
He is holding me and carrying me. Through EVERYTHING.
And this doesn't even compare to what I've gone through in the past.

Though every day is very very scary and hard, God will hold me and help me get through this dark and scary time. He loves me so much it hurts, and even more than that.

Even though I am a completely sinful anxious mess, He forgives me, loves me, and is holding me.

Oh, how He loves me!!!


I just heard this song and broke down hard.

It's a message from God to us.

... I then sung it with my mom and broke down really really hard in the middle to the point where I couldn't sing. She kept singing. :) ... So precious.

God is holding all of us.
Even though we don't deserve it, we are held forever in His arms of grace.

He wants us to remember that.
He wants to be the One we reach for first.

"Fall Into Me"

When the weight of the world bears
down so strong
you leave footprints on the street.

And there’s too many miles to face
without a few more hours sleep.

The storm clouds overhead won’t shed
Any rain to quench your thirst.

I wanna be the One you reach for first.

When your faith is stretched so thin
that you can see straight through your soul.

And you can’t find a nickel to buy a smile
‘Cause your pockets all got holes.

You wanna shut the door and hide
before the day can get much worse.

I wanna be the One you reach for first.

Fall into Me.
My arms are open wide.
And you don’t have to say a word.

‘Cause I already see
that it’s hard and you’re scared
and you’re tired and it hurts

And I wanna be the One you reach for first.

I wanna be the bottle
Yyou’ve been drinking with your eyes.

Or the road you run away on.
You’ve been running all your life.

The third row pew
that you last knew as a child in church.

I wanna be the One you reach for first.

Before you turn the key
before you fall asleep
before you drift away to fight those
demons waiting for you in your dreams.

Before your arms are stretched wide open.
Before you reach into the sky.

Before you’re searching for direction
and all the answers to your why’s.

Fall into Me.

Oh, My arms are stretched wide open.
You don’t have to say a word.

Because I already see.
that it’s hard and you’re scared
and you’re tired and I know it hurts.

Yes, it’s hard and you’re scared
and you’re tired and it hurts.

And I wanna be the One you reach for first."

... This really makes me cry right now. Thank God that He forgives me even in the times when I, out of anxiety, sin. I out of fear anxiety, and sinfulness reach for something else first.

I am thankful He still forgives me, and even then, holds me in His grace.

God, please help me to make You the One I reach for first.
You deserve it.

I will never deserve any of Your amazing love and grace.
Thank You.

Friday, November 11, 2011


Where ever I am, I am never satisfied. I'm always unhappy.

With myself, with my situation.

Dreaming. ... Dreaming about the future.

The things I want to change.

The things I want to be better.

The things I want to do.
The things I want to strive for.

The better times to come.


Why can't I just be satisfied right now?

I have Jesus.

Right here.
Right now.

And He is
all I need.

No matter how hard the current situation might seem,
No matter how stupid I've been or am being.

No matter how good and better the future may seem....

is here! He is what I need.
Not improvement.
Not a different situation or scenario.

Not some amazing future day I can dream of.

I need JESUS.





No matter how hard the day may seem.
No matter how crappy a situation, how scary, how UNFUN, He is with me.
He forgives me. He loves me. He is holding me.

That should be enough.

Enough to make me smile.
To bring His peace and joy. To change me and break me down.

Please please please help me Jesus.

Rid me of my selfish self.

Help me be satisfied by You and You alone.

“Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will He clothe you, O you of little faith! And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. But seek His kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well.

“Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom. Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in Heaven that will not be exhausted, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

-Luke 12:27-34

Thursday, November 10, 2011

the weirdest...

Why do I get in the weirdest, happiest, most imaginative, child-like, dreamy, and silly moods on days like today? ... When everything is all screwed up?

When my world is crazy?

... Why do I finally feel beautiful after I eat too much? (or after I emotional eat?)

Why will I look in the mirror every day and feel ugly?

Look into it and look at myself through the eyes of everyone else? ... I look at myself and think,
"I'm ugly. Too skinny. Unhealthy. ... My eyes look scary, sunken, unhealthy. Too skinny. ... Ugly."

... I always worry everyone is judging me. I worry people think I have an eating disorder. I worry all these STUPID stupid, STUPID things. ... Even though I know: It is the inside that counts. God knows me. Judges me. Knows my heart. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks!!!

... And sometimes I am able to just rest in that!

Smile. :)

... That's why I smile. I am constantly filled with doubt, fear, an anxious thought or worry, but then I remember, "Don't worry what anyone thinks. It is what God thinks. He is judging my heart."
And I smile.

... But sometimes it is much much harder.

I didn't realize how much I had been struggling with bad body image lately until last night when I had a praise party with my two dear friends and sisters in Christ Rachel and Kaitlyn. Singing all the songs about God I realized,
"Wow. It is so hard for me to believe God loves me. Me. ME. ...."
I just don't even want to believe it. I can look at everyone else and know they are BEAUTIFUL. (to ME and even way way more to GOD!!!) Dearly loved and cherished. ... And inside I know I am too. But sometimes it is really really hard. I just don't want to accept it. I want everyone else to be happy and helped, but I just feel like I don't deserve it. I feel like people think I think I am better than others or better than them or am okay or "all happy" or something, so I just don't want to accept God's deep deep love, adoration, and comfort.

... I can't even describe the feeling it's just weird.

But ya... I had been walking around feeling ugly. Too skinny, and just ugly. Ugly and in need of eyeliner but never able to take the time to put it on. I have a lot of trouble taking time to do anything for myself sometimes!!! I had been feeling too skinny and ugly to everyone. Even Matt. (Even though he tells me I am beautiful and that that's not true every day!!!)

I had been looking at myself through what I thought were the eyes of everyone else... Feeling ugly, boring, and thinking people think I am being fake all the time.

Even though it doesn't even matter what people think (and I know that!) GOD DELIGHTS IN ME. And that is what matters! I knew it... But just didn't want to find peace in it, because others aren't happy. ... Or for some other stupid reason. I don't even know.

... But then, after it all, after all the craziness, and chaos. The nights of fear, days with times of fearing death, after the scariness, blahness,

After eating way way too much, I finally can look in the mirror and think, "I'm beautiful." :)

Isn't that what always happens? It's only after I emotional eat (or just plain eat too much for comfort), that I can look in the mirror and think, "hey! Why was I so stupid, I am beautiful in God's eyes!"

Why can't we all just look in the mirror and know that every day???!

I don't know. But I sure do know God is looking down here at us, aching out of love wanting us to know how beautiful beyond beautiful we are to Him. In His eyes.
His eyes
:D :D :D

Jesus loves you. Desperately loves you. ... Just the way you are. :)

... P.S. My anxieties are usually about other things. Other worries about what people think. Not about feeling ugly... But about feeling like a bad friend or feeling like I am bad at loving them or things like that. ... This time was weird. Weird and something that just kind of crept up.

... Stay tuned for more posts! I have so many more I've started and not finished... So many more thoughts floating in this crazy head! God made me me, and I can't wait to share all these crazy things I want to share with you all later...

Bye. :)


Monday, November 7, 2011

every day lately

Every day is really hard for me right now. I am incredibly behind on homework, and when I work on it or do almost anything besides give my full attention to listening to or being with someone, I am filled with so much anxiety and self talk that it handicaps me a lot. It is really hard to do homework. Sometimes I'm too paralyzed by anxiety to do anything at all. Most of the time I am working and trying but fighting so much anxiety and self talk that everything takes 4 or 5 times as long.

It is really hard because I cant love or spend time with or get back to people as much as I want to. ... All of this is extremely hard and stressful, but, at the same time, I CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE how much I am still able to do through all of it. God REALLY carries me and helps me with just enough
strength to get through each second and day. It's incredible really. I just have to trust and know: His power and grace is made perfect in weakness. He is teaching, humbling, carrying, and helping me more than I can ever imagine and thank Him for. :D Please pray for me to do His will with my time. Thanks you.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

remember this.

What I want to remember when I wake up, when I go to bed, no matter where I am or what I am doing.

... His beautiful grace... :)

... Thank You Jesus!!!