Saturday, October 30, 2010
Last night I went to bed sad for how much we are all unable to find peace in knowing what is to come is SO MUCH BETTER THAN THIS. Knowing that should really bring us peace and joy, but instead we often fall into so much worry about the temporary things of this world. This song woke me up this morning describing what I'm feeling right now. Just really excited for Heaven and excited to serve God while I wait!
Saturday, October 16, 2010
I heard the song "Freedom" by Run Kid Run on the radio Friday morning. Every word of that song is truly the cry of my heart right now. I had a tough week struggling with lots of anxiety and a few brief feelings of depression. I learned that sometimes, even though I know about God's AMAZING love and forgiveness and about the promises of eternal life, I can't control when my body feels anxious or depressed. All I could do was lay face down on the floor and beg for God's help. God did help, and He was here with me. He also blessed me with Matt and Kelsey and with all the other wonderful friends who poured out God's love to me during this struggle.
There were also points this week where I turned to food to help me get stuff done. I tried really hard not to. My body was exhausted. My head felt heavy and tired. I couldn't focus on the paper I was writing at all. Christian songs were going through my head, and I was thinking about people I wanted to spend time with. I was also feeling weighted down with photos, tests, and everything else. Most of the problem was exhaustion from stress.
On Thursday Oct 14, I tried really hard to be patient with myself, but it was taking the entire day to write half a paper (I never did finish), and I had a huge Psych test, which was also a huge struggle for me to study for, the next day. My main desires were to spend time helping people and with God, but my stupid body just wouldn't function to study. It would just get to the point again and again where it was absolutely RIDICULOUS that I couldn't get anything done. I hate the fact that I struggle with this because I want to be out helping people. So I used junk food. I don't even like candy at all!! I would've much rather ate carrots, but I did it to punish myself so that I would never turn to food again. The sad thing is I kept having to go back for more. I probably ate three or four thousand calories of junk food during each of the two days I turned to food this week. It made me feel gross. But at the time it truly felt like the only way to get anything done. It really did help get the paper done, but I CAN'T KEEP DOING THIS!! I can't keep sinning!! This really hurts God. I did it so I would have more time to spend with people and with God, but each day I did it, it just ended up with a lot less time for others and God.
I know I learned a lot from these struggles. Compassion for others who are going through anxiety, depression, addictions, etc. I learned sometimes anxiety and depression consume us even when we know God's promises. I learned I need to allow the people God has placed in my life to help me during times of struggle. I also learned I need to let go. Sometimes I just don't have the energy to do school work, and I need to rest in God instead of turning to food. I need to let go of my desire to do so well on tests and assignments.
I can't keep sinning!! Yes, I understand God's forgiveness. Yes, I understand I must forgive myself. I understand God's love and forgiveness is SO AMAZING and I am SO INCREDIBLY THANKFUL that He forgives and loves me during my repeated times of failure, but I think even though we know these things we should still try with all of our heart to change. We can't get comfortable in our sins. We can't allow the fact that we know God forgives us to justify our sins. We NEED to change. And we need God's help. Badly.
Thank you God for your AMAZING love and forgiveness. Please help me change for You.
I am now singing this song every time I feel like turning to food. I am crying out for God's help. I know I can't do this alone.
Monday, October 11, 2010
I have really been struggling lately. Anxiety has been high. More than anything I just want to be there for people and to help people. But I constantly have to put taking care of myself and getting my work done first in order to stay healthy and not become so anxious.
There have been times lately where I have given in to feelings of hopelessness. To feeling like I am not going to be able to get all the photos edited and all the studying done and everything else. To feeling horrible that I am not spending time with or helping people. To deciding it would be best to just get everything done as quickly as possible at whatever cost. I just really want to be there for others the next day.
On Saturday Oct 9, I turned to food. I don't even like candy. At all. I would much rather be eating carrots or grapes. But I ate package of trail mix after package of trailmix. Package of candy after package of candy. I figured if I am going to sin and turn to food instead of God, I should really punish myself to make sure I will never want to do it again. I felt like I deserve to get fat for how sinful I am. I didn't get more photos done than I would've with out turning to food. I just made the next day a day of suffering.
I was supposed to spend Sunday out with Kelsey taking photos, but instead the next day was spent feeling horrible for sinning. I told Kelsey all about it, and she stayed with me while I spent a day editing photos and telling God how sorry I am that I KEEP sinning. I CAN'T keep hurting God.
I cried a few times that day and felt almost suicidal from how sorry I was for giving in to all the lies that consumed me the night before. Lies that I should feel bad and hopeless about work, instead of just resting in God and His promises. I felt bad for not spending time with friends, I felt hopeless about the work I had to get done, I felt bad for always eating healthy and trying to take care of myself instead of just not caring like everyone else, I felt I deserve to get fat.
I knew I could've just called Matt or Kelsey, and they would've come and sat with me while I worked on photos. They would've been there and made sure I didn't turn to food. But instead I gave in to the hopelessness and wanted to torture myself for being so sinful. Even though I don't give in to food a huge majority of the time, I still do sometimes when I want to get things done, and I know I CAN'T keep sinning day after day. I wanted the next day to be a day of suffering so that I wouldn't hurt God with my sin again.
On Sunday, I told Matt about everything and apologized for not just calling him. Usually just knowing how much Kelsey and Matt care about me and knowing that God loves me EVEN MORE keeps me from turning to food. It keeps me from turning to food countless times every day, and I am so thankful for the people God has placed in my life!!! I am so thankful I am able to be completely honest about everything and am able to constantly get support, advice, comfort, and prayer from my brothers and sisters in Christ. I am so blessed!! And Christ loves me so much more than this!!!!
I learned from this experience I need to trust in God. I can't give in to the lies. Turning to food is NOT going to help. I need to use the people God has placed in my life to help me. I can't do anything on my own with out God's help. I need to just rest in Him. I can't get angry at myself for taking care of myself, even if it constantly takes me away from spending time with others. I also can't get stressed about work of any kind. School or photos or anything else. God will help me get them done if I just rest in Him. I can't do anything on my own with out God.
AND... how AMAZING is it that even though I keep messing up God still love me the same?! His forgiveness and love are AMAZING. So much more than I ever deserve!! I am so incredibly thankful, and I need to allow God's love and forgiveness to continue to fill me with joy. Even though I know I am always forgiven, and I know I must constantly forgive myself, I want to change. I can't keep sinning by turning to food instead of God any longer. Even just eating an apple or an orange for comfort instead of resting in God is sinful, and I want to change!!!
Thank you Lord for always forgiving me and loving me WAY WAY more than my sinful self could ever ever deserve!!!!
Friday, October 1, 2010
Thank you, Lord, for forgiving me even though I am a horrible sinner. Even though I am completely deserving of Hell, you sent Jesus to die for my sins. You give me the gifts I could never deserve of Your forgiveness and love, and best of all, You promise me eternal life with You in Heaven.
How can I ever thank You enough?!!!
How can I ever thank You enough?!!!